Two Query Examples

As I mentioned on another thread, I sent two queries for Beyond the Quiet. With the first one, I followed the formal advice given in books and at conferences, and it received a favorable response from one agent, but after that relationship ended, I sent it out again and again with little luck. That story is on the Business of Publishing thread:

http://writersvoice.freeforumboard.net/the-business-of-publishing-f3/beyond-the-quiet-a-novel-s-journey-t35.htm

A while later, very discouraged, I queried Vanilla Heart, an indie publisher, and wrote from my heart. They immediately responded with a request for the full manuscript and then offered a contract. Hooray!

Some of you have asked to see the two queries. Here they are, and I hope they help you in your quest:

Query #1:

Salutation:
Dear Agent – always use his/her name

Basics: title, word count, and a tagline:
BEYOND THE QUIET, my 90,000 word completed novel, is about a woman who, after her husband of twenty-five years dies, finally learns to live.

Three-paragraph Blurb:
1st paragraph-the character's Problem
Lisa Montgomery never learned to show love. As a child, she was acceptable only if she were clean, composed, and quiet. For most of her forty-three years she survived by keeping her life and emotions tightly controlled. Then, after her husband of twenty-five years succumbs to cancer, she discovers her control was only an illusion. His secret life has left her in debt and nearly penniless, and her daughter, instead of offering comfort and support, is judgmental and emotionally distant.

2nd paragraph - deepening the problem
Disillusioned and bitter, Lisa return to works and meets Terry O’Neal, a retired fire chief who pursues her with a passion that melts her icy façade. She falls in love and learns how glorious true lovemaking can be. Only her troubled relationship with her daughter dulls her new happiness, so Lisa prepares to make one more effort to talk to her, to offer the love she’d always felt but never knew how to express.

3rd paragraph - climax, but with a hook
When her life changes again, she realizes pain and loss has made her stronger. As a woman who has learned to cherish each moment, she leaves her old life behind to follow her dream, welcoming each tomorrow as a new opportunity for adventure. But a jealous coworker watches, wanting to destroy what he can’t have.

My Credits:
Beyond is my second novel. Ten Times Guilty, the story of a struggling single mother learning her strength, garnered a four-star review from Romantic Times Review Magazine, January, 2006. My 8,000 word short story in True Story Magazine was featured as a 'Twelve-tissue tearjerker,' and my Amazon Short, Am I Wife or Mother, on Amazon.com Shorts climbed to the top three. My feature articles have been published in my local Southern California newspaper, and I'm also the restaurant reviewer.

Closing:
Thank you, and so on

Query #2:

Salutation:
Dear Publisher. I used the name listed for queries on their website

When I lost my husband to divorce after nearly thirty years of marriage, I read everything I could, desperate to learn how other women coped and what they did to rebuild their lives. Beyond the Quiet, a mainstream novel of approximately 90,000 words, is my version of how one woman struggles though bitterness, loss, and betrayal, learning to cherish each moment and follow her long-buried dreams. It’s the story of how a quiet, passionless widow becomes spirited enough to climb onto her lover’s shoulders for a piggyback ride in the nude.

“To all of our years together,” Lisa Montgomery’s husband said one evening, raising his glass in a toast, “some of them good.” They laughed and clicked wine glasses. But after his death, Lisa discovers he hadn’t been teasing. When the contents of a secret post office box reveals his illicit affair, she struggles to come to terms with his betrayal. Forced to examine her life as a wife, mother, and as a woman, she realizes her troubled childhood didn’t allow her to be anything but composed and quiet. She’d never learned to show love.

A chance meeting with a retired fire chief leads to changes she’d never imagined, and she falls in love for the first time. She learns to open her heart, to let go of the sterile woman she’d become and passionately embrace the woman she wishes to be. Only her relationship with her estranged daughter dulls her new happiness, so Lisa prepares to make one more effort to talk to her, to offer the love she’d always felt but never knew how to express. But a jealous coworker watches, wanting to destroy what he can’t have.

Credits:
same as in the first query

Closing:
Thank you, and so on

Brenda, thank you for posting these two queries. My heart leapt into my throat when I read the second one. Sometimes I think we take the personal aspect out of our books when writing queries. Here's a great example of putting heart into a query and it makes a huge difference.

You're so right, Merri. I worked and worked on the first one, but it never had that certain spark I wanted. I didn't even realize what was wrong until later after I wrote the second one.

Looking at them now, I can see in an instant that the first one is dull, dull, dull.

I agree with Merri, Brenda. However, the second one won't work with big publishing houses. They want you to follow a specific format. If you don't, they just scrap it. I think that is one reason that small presses are better. They feel.

Sue, I've experienced exactly what you mentioned. Some publishers are incredibly specific about their requirements and if you veer from them even a fraction, your query letter goes into the proverbial reject pile.

I think it's a good idea to write a general query letter and then when you submit to publishers you can modify it according to their specifications.

True, but if you want the major publishing houses, you must go through an agent first, and some of them are actually human.

I think when I finish my wip, I'll try two versions of my query, one more formal as I'd been taught, and the other a little more relaxed.

Sounds like a good plan. Good Luck!

Thanks! It'll be a while before I complete the novel, but once I start sending, I'll post the results.